Category 6 (Carousel)

Saturday, 31 August 2013

Charly Boy- Parents from Hell

I never really got along with my father till about 27yrs ago. Before then, nothing I did was ever good enough for my father. Since childhood I resented him, I saw my father as a bully, as an overbearing, insensitive, unloving, harsh and wicked man. All my siblings at the time wanted to please him except me. It was like my father was from Hell; he whipped me so many times that I became immune to the pain of his cane. I was very close to my mum and would rather not have anything to do with my father at all. My father had been a Principal before he became a lawyer/ Judge. He loved literature so he constantly made me memorize all Shakespeare’s play, way before I even went to secondary school. Can you beat that? God help me when I didn’t get my lines right, he would whip my behind as if he was taking his frustrations out on me. It was not a surprise that I hated school, my dad unknowingly made learning very scary. By the time I became a teenager in secondary school, my resentment for my father grew big time. It was all about how he wanted things to run in our house, our house was like a court room, he was the Judge, the Jury and the Prosecutor. His rules were final. No wonder I rebelled all my teenage and early adult life, against all his rules, his values, his harshness bereft of any emotions. I just couldn’t sit down and have a normal conversation with my father without him blowing a fuse, or shouting at me, and telling me how irresponsible I was getting. Since I didn’t study law like he wanted me to, he just concluded I was throwing away my life and the distance between us widened. Most parents are the last to be aware of their children’s innate abilities because of their mindset, or what they want the child to become. And most children see their parents as overbearing, nagging, out of touch analogue people living in a digital world. Yes, a sperm and an egg can make a baby, but to be a parent is a continuous learning process which we must approach with patience and tremendous understanding because children have different values. Their life and experiences are different; they cannot understand parents that much, until the children have more chance to take significant responsibilities in life. Children tend to have this idea that parents are above people and that they are not supposed to have the same problems and feelings as their children. Parents tend to forget that children are people too, they forget that they have feelings and problems of their own too, and those feelings and thought may not match theirs as parents. This is a war that has been raging since the beginning of time. I believe I have been a reasonable and conscientious father, but I still have issues with some of my children from time to time. I have come to realize, that you can do everything right and your child can grow up and not want to have the kind of relationship with you that you always hoped you would have. You can do everything right and your child may still end up with drug problem and cause you endless heartache. You can do everything right and your child can still fail to lunch a successful adulthood despite being gifted and talented. I made up my mind long ago that I wasn’t going to follow my dad’s style of parenting, not that his style was that bad, but I figured I would rather make my children my pals, I will communicate with friendship and love. These digital age children are more sophisticated than the one’s from my generation. Adolescence is the place where some of the hardest confrontations begin to be waged between parent and child. With adult children, closeness or distance is negotiated on an equal playing field, with new rules usually from your children’s perspective. Each time I ask some of my children living abroad why they haven’t called to check on me, they throw it right back at me, “daddy you know I have been so busy, why didn’t you call to check on me.” The day my father stopped yelling at me was the day I decided to fix our relationship, because it dawned on me that I wasn’t getting my point through to him since we always argue. I decided from then on, I will always keep mute when he starts yelling, get my points together and attempt to marshal them out logically, intelligently and above all calmly, like a dutiful son or should I say, like the lawyer he wanted me to be? Guess what? It worked. Now not every child may have that intuition, to know what’s best to be done, or be interested in fixing the relationship, this is where parents need to man up, and make sure they fix the situation quickly. There are different types of parents and different types of children. Some kids are close to their parents and refuse to rebel because their parents made it so they can be very comfortable and happy. Parenting can be wonderful and rewarding, but can also be difficult and unpleasant. In reality, there are no guaranteed methods for ensuring we and our children would be happy and have a good relationship, but maybe there are things to learn from my own little experience. No two parents show love in the same way. As a parent, tap into your own way of showing your child you care. We never know the love of our parents for us till we have become parents. I thank my father for being strict and harsh with me; I believe that kept me on track. Most of the time, your child may think your becoming unreasonable but as long as your positive rules and messages stay consistent they will pick it up when the time comes, it can never be wasted. Parents should communicate in ways that work well for them and their child, with good communication you will probably know some of what’s happening in your child’s life, and know where they may need help. But communicate as a friend, not as a parent. My dad handed down so many values I took for granted at a time but now they mean so much to me. He lived his life in a way that when I think about fairness and integrity I think of my father. Your child may appear like he/she is never listening to you, but know that they are watching you, so try to be that which you want from them. I have found out that it is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings. I can share all the tips I learnt while dealing with my children with you, but the most important thing is teaching your children how to get along without you, because sooner than later they will be their own person, and at that point, it’s no longer in your hands, habits are formed and the person in the child has emergeI never really got along with my father till about 27yrs ago. Before then, nothing I did was ever good enough for my father. Since childhood I resented him, I saw my father as a bully, as an overbearing, insensitive, unloving, harsh and wicked man. All my siblings at the time wanted to please him except me. It was like my father was from Hell; he whipped me so many times that I became immune to the pain of his cane. I was very close to my mum and would rather not have anything to do with my father at all. My father had been a Principal before he became a lawyer/Judge. He loved literature so he constantly made me memorize all Shakespeare’s play, way before I even went to secondary school. Can you beat that? God help me when I didn’t get my lines right, he would whip my behind as if he was taking his frustrations out on me. It was not a surprise that I hated school, my dad unknowingly made learning very scary. By the time I became a teenager in secondary school, my resentment for my father grew big time. It was all about how he wanted things to run in our house, our house was like a court room, he was the Judge, the Jury and the Prosecutor. His rules were final. No wonder I rebelled all my teenage and early adult life, against all his rules, his values, his harshness bereft of any emotions. I just couldn’t sit down and have a normal conversation with my father without him blowing a fuse, or shouting at me, and telling me how irresponsible I was getting. Since I didn’t study law like he wanted me to, he just concluded I was throwing away my life and the distance between us widened. Most parents are the last to be aware of their children’s innate abilities because of their mindset, or what they want the child to become. And most children see their parents as overbearing, nagging, out of touch analogue people living in a digital world. Yes, a sperm and an egg can make a baby, but to be a parent is a continuous learning process which we must approach with patience and tremendous understanding because children have different values. Their life and experiences are different; they cannot understand parents that much, until the children have more chance to take significant responsibilities in life. Children tend to have this idea that parents are above people and that they are not supposed to have the same problems and feelings as their children. Parents tend to forget that children are people too, they forget that they have feelings and problems of their own too, and those feelings and thought may not match theirs as parents. This is a war that has been raging since the beginning of time. I believe I have been a reasonable and conscientious father, but I still have issues with some of my children from time to time. I have come to realize, that you can do everything right and your child can grow up and not want to have the kind of relationship with you that you always hoped you would have. You can do everything right and your child may still end up with drug problem and cause you endless heartache. You can do everything right and your child can still fail to lunch a successful adulthood despite being gifted and talented. I made up my mind long ago that I wasn’t going to follow my dad’s style of parenting, not that his style was that bad, but I figured I would rather make my children my pals, I will communicate with friendship and love. These digital age children are more sophisticated than the one’s from my generation. Adolescence is the place where some of the hardest confrontations begin to be waged between parent and child. With adult children, closeness or distance is negotiated on an equal playing field, with new rules usually from your children’s perspective. Each time I ask some of my children living abroad why they haven’t called to check on me, they throw it right back at me, “daddy you know I have been so busy, why didn’t you call to check on me.” The day my father stopped yelling at me was the day I decided to fix our relationship, because it dawned on me that I wasn’t getting my point through to him since we always argue. I decided from then on, I will always keep mute when he starts yelling, get my points together and attempt to marshal them out logically, intelligently and above all calmly, like a dutiful son or should I say, like the lawyer he wanted me to be? Guess what? It worked. Now not every child may have that intuition, to know what’s best to be done, or be interested in fixing the relationship, this is where parents need to man up, and make sure they fix the situation quickly. There are different types of parents and different types of children. Some kids are close to their parents and refuse to rebel because their parents made it so they can be very comfortable and happy. Parenting can be wonderful and rewarding, but can also be difficult and unpleasant. In reality, there are no guaranteed methods for ensuring we and our children would be happy and have a good relationship, but maybe there are things to learn from my own little experience. No two parents show love in the same way. As a parent, tap into your own way of showing your child you care. We never know the love of our parents for us till we have become parents. I thank my father for being strict and harsh with me; I believe that kept me on track. Most of the time, your child may think your becoming unreasonable but as long as your positive rules and messages stay consistent they will pick it up when the time comes, it can never be wasted. Parents should communicate in ways that work well for them and their child, with good communication you will probably know some of what’s happening in your child’s life, and know where they may need help. But communicate as a friend, not as a parent. My dad handed down so many values I took for granted at a time but now they mean so much to me. He lived his life in a way that when I think about fairness and integrity I think of my father. Your child may appear like he/she is never listening to you, but know that they are watching you, so try to be that which you want from them. I have found out that it is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings. I can share all the tips I learnt while dealing with my children with you, but the most important thing is teaching your children how to get along without you, because sooner than later they will be their own person, and at that point, it’s no longer in your hands, habits are formed and the person in the child has emerged
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